National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day, apparently, and also exactly three months from when I came out to my parents, at work, and in general. (I had come out to friends earlier.) I thought that in commemoration of this, I would post the emails I sent, expurgated as necessary.

Hello friends and fellow [coworkers],

The time has come for me to share with you all that I am in the process of a gender transition. I have already started social transition in my personal life and am now going to be doing the same in the professional sphere. Starting Monday, July 14, I am going to be using the name Marcy (Marceline) and she/her pronouns. I'll be updating [our work HR systems] etc. over the weekend, to limit confusion.

Those who I meet with regularly know I've already begun altering my gender representation. Aside from the usual (name and pronouns), the main work-relevant change to expect is that I'm beginning voice training for vocal feminization. This requires a lot of practice and experimentation, and the best way to do this is to use an altered voice regularly. To put it simply, my voice might sound unusual over the coming months.

I appreciate your patience and understanding as I navigate this process. At this time, I don't foresee any significant absences or impact on work. Please feel free to share this information inside the company, with former colleagues, etc., and reach out to me directly if you have any questions.

Finally, I want you to know that I understand this is not a simple or immediate change for the people who know me. I've gone through the process of having people close to me transition before, and I know that getting stuff like the name and pronouns right takes effort and a process of normalization. I deeply appreciate your good-faith efforts to get this right. Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells about this, and please do not stress out if you get things mixed up — I understand and will not be offended. In fact, right now I'm wearing a bracelet with my new name on it, just so I keep getting reminded. Habits are hard to change!

Worthwhile endeavors are rarely easy, but this journey has already brought me more happiness and peace of mind than I could have thought possible. I'm excited to continue this journey with you, my colleagues.

Thanks so much,

Marcy (fka [deadname]) [last name]

Mom and Dad,

I'm usually a better writer than I am a speaker, especially when it comes to something that I might get emotional and tongue-tied about. So I've chosen to tell you some important news in written form, so I can get everything out in the way I want to. We can talk about it in person, of course, but this is just the way I feel the most comfortable.

Over the past year, I have been personally exploring and working with a therapist on addressing the agoraphobia, social anxiety, and general "stuck" feeling I've had for most of my adult life. After getting out of the hospital, I've made a lot of progress, but last year I found myself still kind of adrift about what I wanted out of life, how to define myself, and so on. Approaching 40 without that understanding of myself was really alarming. So I sought out help.

Through that process, I have come to a conclusion that I have suspected but avoided coming to grips with for many, many years. I have gender dysphoria; I am transgender. Simply coming to this conclusion had a profound effect on my anxiety and my sense of discomfort with my own body.

I know you will have a lot of questions and concerns about this. But there's one thing I want to make clear.

I don't expect you to understand me. I don't think anyone who isn't like this can truly understand it.

I have no doubt that you love me and that will never change. I have never doubted that.

What I need from you is to trust me, to trust that I know what I'm doing and that I'm being cautious and thoughtful.

I have been exploring changes in my presentation and identity over the past few months (including hair, makeup, nails, etc.) and it has made me happier and more comfortable. A while back I went to the DMV to get a Real ID for an upcoming trip (more on that later) and I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror. For the first time I can remember, I saw myself in a reflection and just recognized myself and smiled, rather than flinching and looking away. Little moments like this are happening every day. I'm getting out and socializing with my friends and even with new people. I'm taking better care of myself and my physical fitness and cardiac health are the best they've been since hospitalization.

This is, obviously, a very difficult time to be openly trans. I have given that a lot of thought. If I felt there were any alternatives that would have the effect that I desire, I would pursue them. I did pursue them, in fact, and that's what led me to this point. So I wanted to assure you of a few things:

I am not currently planning to change my legal name or do anything else to "out" myself to the federal government. My ID will remain under my current name and with an M gender marker for the time being. [ed. As I have mentioned in a previous post, this didn't hold up! My understanding of my transition changed a lot in a short time.]

I am not currently planning to undergo any surgeries or anything that would prevent me from staying under the radar if things get bad.

I have already shared this with most of my personal friends and colleagues, and have started social transition among them. That means that I'm using a new name and she/her pronouns with them. The name I have chosen is Marceline, Marcy for short. I wanted to keep the M initial for a number of reasons.

Telling you about this is the most important step for me. I wanted to be absolutely sure that you heard it from me and not second-hand, so I haven't told [best friend] or any family members. I'll start doing that now that I've told you.

What you can expect in the near future:

The way I dress and present will change. You've already seen some of those changes.

I will be doing voice training to alter the way I speak somewhat. I don't have any desire to substantially change the character of my voice, just to lighten it.

I will be changing my name in various locations (email, etc.). This will take a while.

I will still be the same person, with the same interests and beliefs. I will still have the same heart. I will still love you both with every ounce of it.

For some people I know, transition amounts to a rejection of the old self. These are often people with abusive backgrounds, who live in red states, with families that don't support them. They want to make a clean break, to transform. That is not how I feel about it. To me, this feels like finally getting a pair of glasses after struggling to see my whole life. I might look and sound different, but I'm still the same person. Just happier, and more comfortable in my skin.

I know that after knowing me as your son [deadname] for almost 39 years, this will be a very difficult change to internalize and become comfortable with. You might not ever be able to. I understand and accept that. All I ask of you, again, is that you trust me.

With unending love and gratitude,

Marcy

[As a bonus, this is the first coming-out message I sent, in the Discord where my closest friends hang out:]

I was going to wait for some milestone or another to tell you all about this but it seems increasingly silly to beat around the bush; some of you I've already told, and others probably have guessed anyway. I've come to the conclusion I'm trans. I'm going to see a doctor next week about starting hormones. I've been kind of inching toward this realization for the past six months or so and then last week it just all fell into place. I am... way, way less anxious and conflicted about this than I expected to be. I keep on thinking I'm going to go like "wait, what am I thinking? This is dumb, never mind" but the opposite keeps on happening. I'm mostly just happy and relieved. And a little sad that I didn't come to this conclusion a long time ago. I haven't figured out exactly what the timeframe for social transition looks like. I'm mostly just doing things that feel comfortable and seeing what I want to do next. I'm thinking about names and such, and I think I'd want to do name and pronouns at the same time. This is going to be a difficult conversation for me to have with my parents so that's going to be a little later, but I'm really hoping that I can be substantially "out" by my birthday [ed. Mission complete!]. Love you all, and thank you for all the support you've already given me. And now I hit the Return key 😅

All my respect and love for my queer sisters, sibs, and brothers, today and always. For those who are still waiting: I know what it's like. You might have good reason to hold off. But I know that coming out was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself and those who love me. If you are worried about what your loved ones will think, whether they will be able to handle it, please think hard about whether you should just trust them to be there for you. When you truly love someone, you want them to be happy and healthy and themselves, even if the path to getting there is difficult.